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Dear Alan, I am leaving. I'm taking the cats too. Just be glad we don't have any children. The fall is as good a time as any to fly the coup and I can't take anymore of your mother's incessant criticism and nitpicking. I've never been good enough for you in her wicked eyes. We had some good times in the beginning and I don't regret it, but I would if I don't get out now. I'm going to Italy with Gino (from the ice cream parlour), he loves me right and treats me like I want to be treated. You haven't made me feel very special for a long time. I've been your cook, your cleaner, I've washed your clothes and waited on you hand and foot. You've been more interested in your work and your fascination with motor-sports than you have with me. I have felt lonely and forgotten. Maybe this is the wake-up call you need. I won't apologise but I hope you realise that you cannot treat another person like you have treated me and expect them to feel loved. No longer yours, Derek.
Postcard #12
Alice, greetings from Des Moines! I have now been awake for over 121 hrs (an Iowa State Trooper record). Uncle Hank has had to turn every stone and look in every seedy back alley of Beaverdale to replenish the ever-dwindling supplies. I'm looking forward to your visit next month. I hope your mother doesn't try to dash our plans by taking you on an impromptu skiing trip to Aspen like she did last year. Yeah Doris, I know you'll read this before it gets to Alice! If that douche-bag Rick has moved in already I'm gonna blow my stack. If he has then I hope you read this too, Rick. You gaddam turkey-necked pencil pusher! Alice, sweetheart - Don't f
Postcard #11 (never sent)
Dear Ingrid, greetings from Reggie and I. We have both enjoyed the European film festival immensely. A highlight of the circuit was Vienna where we saw a series of our favourite Fritz Lang movies. The event built to a fever pitch by the time they showed 'M' in City Hall Square to a packed out crowd. It has all been a bit much for poor little Reggie. He has had the usual passport issues and I'm having to smuggle him out of Turkey in my gym bag. We have enough Euros to bribe any Lithuanian customs agents but as you know, they prefer vodka. Unfortunately Reggie drank the last of it in Kayseri. We will sail home as my fear of flying has doubled s
Postcard #10
Dear Pedro, how are you my old friend? This is the first chance I've had to write since my release. I'm settling in fine and getting used to life in Betty's Bay (just as you predicted). The other penguins here are all friendly enough, but they have a very peculiar dialect which is keeping me on my pins. The Bolder's Beach boys have taken to calling me 'Jackass' which grated a little at first until I discovered that's what they call us Blackfoots down here. The tourists provide a good source of supplementary snacks and treats, but they leave a god-awful mess behind. Kyle wrote me last month and asked if I would ever consider returning to San D
Postcard #8
To whomever now owns this house. The floorboards are rotten, the hinges are squeaky, the roof tiles are broken, the structure is warped. On top of that the neighbours are nosey, the weather here's lousy, the cattle are noisy, the Preacher is a Calvinist, the nearest shop is 3 miles, it's closed on Sunday, Wednesday and Christmas. The glass needs replacing, the wall paint is poisonous, the asbestos in the lagging is exposed in various rooms upstairs. There was a double murder in your house 12 years ago and Sheila Pitts from next door swears blind the place is haunted. I thought it best to let you know what you're up against before you settle i
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Wonderful! I have been waiting for it! Love it as usual!